Musings on financial success and worry
Jul. 18th, 2003 12:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
robotech_masterThe last couple of days have gone really well at work. I've been able to keep to average call times that are much lower than my last couple of cycles. I find myself wondering if that's just because I've gotten better at the job, or because I'm now able to transfer a lot of the calls that formerly took up so much time? At any rate, I did quite well yesterday on my two hours of overtime, and did well enough today that it would still put me ahead on calls even without that hour of overtime.
Let's see. The paycheck I get tomorrow has $213 more than it otherwise would, and that's not even counting the overtime I put in. The paycheck I get two weeks from tomorrow should, by my estimates, be $250 more than usual, with about $50 more added for the four hours of overtime I put in this week. And, today, I found I had a $50 cash award on my instant-money cash card—not entirely unexpected, but gratifying. I'm letting that $50 (or, rather, that $29, after the 42% of tax is deducted from it) help compensate for the money I'm spending on that computer. Oh, and I got another 85 call rating the other day.
At any rate, what with all that extra money coming in, it's like getting a whole extra paycheck this month. It certainly does wonders for my peace of mind.
And yet, at the same time, it doesn't.
It all seems to be going entirely too well. I can't help feeling like it's too good to be true, and at some point really soon it's all going to come crashing down. This is partly because of my conception of the capriciousness of fate, or at least the notion that nobody's luck lasts forever, and partly because of how well I know myself. I know that there's a strong streak of manic-depressiveness that runs through my character. The times when I'm the happiest, I know from experience, are times I really have to watch out, because times like that, sometimes the smallest of disappointments or frustrations can entirely reverse my mood's polarity.
And so there you have it. After spending months worrying over not being able to find a job, and being positive that when I finally did have one, I would be the happiest guy in the world...well, I now have one—one that I'm really good at, one that I even for the most part enjoy (in a sense, I get paid essentially to spend about five hours out of my day reading books)...and I worry still. Though granted, I don't ever want to return to those months of gut-clenching uncertainty where I didn't know if I would ever find work.
I wonder if there's ever freedom from that kind of worry? And if there is, whether I'll actually have it.
Let's see. The paycheck I get tomorrow has $213 more than it otherwise would, and that's not even counting the overtime I put in. The paycheck I get two weeks from tomorrow should, by my estimates, be $250 more than usual, with about $50 more added for the four hours of overtime I put in this week. And, today, I found I had a $50 cash award on my instant-money cash card—not entirely unexpected, but gratifying. I'm letting that $50 (or, rather, that $29, after the 42% of tax is deducted from it) help compensate for the money I'm spending on that computer. Oh, and I got another 85 call rating the other day.
At any rate, what with all that extra money coming in, it's like getting a whole extra paycheck this month. It certainly does wonders for my peace of mind.
And yet, at the same time, it doesn't.
It all seems to be going entirely too well. I can't help feeling like it's too good to be true, and at some point really soon it's all going to come crashing down. This is partly because of my conception of the capriciousness of fate, or at least the notion that nobody's luck lasts forever, and partly because of how well I know myself. I know that there's a strong streak of manic-depressiveness that runs through my character. The times when I'm the happiest, I know from experience, are times I really have to watch out, because times like that, sometimes the smallest of disappointments or frustrations can entirely reverse my mood's polarity.
And so there you have it. After spending months worrying over not being able to find a job, and being positive that when I finally did have one, I would be the happiest guy in the world...well, I now have one—one that I'm really good at, one that I even for the most part enjoy (in a sense, I get paid essentially to spend about five hours out of my day reading books)...and I worry still. Though granted, I don't ever want to return to those months of gut-clenching uncertainty where I didn't know if I would ever find work.
I wonder if there's ever freedom from that kind of worry? And if there is, whether I'll actually have it.
LIfe's Vicissitudes
Date: 2003-07-18 04:28 pm (UTC)However, you do have to work at making your own happiness. I think you have learned some ways to snap yourself out of depression. When you do feel it, find some things in your life to take comfort in. "Accentuate the positive, Eliminate the negative....Don't mess with Mister Inbetween," as the song says.
I firmly believe that we are only capable of experiencing happiness because of the sadness and unhappiness we have to deal with from time to time. I think that is why there is evil in the world. Humans would not appreciate good if they didn't know about evil. This is just like Adam and Eve.
You know, one time I was substituting in Mrs. Crane's room at the middle school, and I was struck by a slogan she had on a bulletin board. I think it changed my whole outlook on life, and it has stayed with me. It was: "Happiness is not having what you want. It's wanting what you have." Now, I don't mean to say that a person should have no ambition. I just think you need to keep things in perspective!
Love,
Mom