Uncertainties
Aug. 1st, 2002 05:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
robotech_masterWell, the phone interview with the AmeriCorps people yesterday seemed to go well. We discussed the job, they asked me my feelings, and a couple of technical questions ("what's the difference between a discussion board and a listserv"—yawn), and they seemed to be impressed by the fact that I had friends in Wolfeboro. As it turned out, they were looking for someone for a position in that very town, and since I already have connections there, it seems like I would be a good choice for that slot. Assuming I get the shot. They're going to call me by the end of the week and let me know if I made the cut.
Even if I did make it, it's a bit of a tough decision…made tougher by my brother thinking he could get me a shot at a $50,000/yr computer admin job that's opening up "sometime soon"—he's supposed to find out exactly when today. (My parents have exhorted me not to mention this job to anyone lest someone else beat me out for it…which is why I'm carefully not mentioning exactly where. ;P ) If I honestly had a real shot at a $50,000 job, through the magic of nepotism and networking, it would be foolish to take a volunteer position for $700 a month. But if I wait around for it and find out I couldn't get it after all, then I've missed my AmeriCorps shot for at least several more months.
My financial situation will not countenance me waiting very long. A bird in the hand is worth a million in the bush, and the AmeriCorps job—helping people who've never used a computer in their life, and helping to get better Internet access and job opportunities in rural areas—sounds like just the sort of thing at which I would excel. It wouldn't pay very much, but I think it might just be enough—and it would get the school loans off my back for another year, and it would also put me in a good geographical position to begin serious jobhunting toward the end of the tenure. I'm given to understand that southern New Hampshire is in the middle of a big high-tech area, and it would be a lot easier to get a job with a year of experience under my belt and the ability to travel to in-person interviews. Almost nobody wants to hire without experience, especially if you're not local.
I should know by the end of the week whether they want to offer me the position. I sure hope I get it…because if I don't, if even this free volunteer agency doesn't want me…what hope does that give me for working somewhere with even more stringent standards?
But then again, as I was lying in bed last night thinking about what would have to be done, it occurred to me that the only thing scarier than not getting it might actually be getting it. Packing up my stuff, turning off the services, severing my local connections, what few of them I have…
My thoughts drifted to packing up my stuff. I'd have to pack with a sort of grim finality…take the stuff that I was certain I needed, leave behind what I was certain I could do without, and make no mistakes on that score; I wouldn't be able to drive home and retrieve something I forgot. Maybe have it shipped to me…if Mom & Dad could even find it amid all my stuff.
And that was when it really started to hit me. In New Hampshire, I would (or will) be on my own…more on my own than I've ever been here in Springfield, even before Mom & Dad got email. I just looked it up on freetrip, and found sobering results: from Springfield to Wolfeboro is a 23 hour, 4 minute drive. Though I imagine I could shave some time off of that, the parents would still be almost a full day and night of continuous driving away from me…meaning at least a two day trip by car. And at $700/month living allowance, I wouldn't be able to afford a plane or even train ticket home. Granted, it's not that much compared to what the pioneers had to face…or even my own great grandfather, when he made a journey from Oklahoma to New York and back in a rickety old Huppmobile in the early '20s…but it would be enough.
I'd have my friends, to be sure…but they're "only" good friends, not family. They couldn't do for me the extreme things that family would if I needed, nor could I in good conscience ask them to. We've had our differences in the past, and I'm hesitant (knowing my own behavior in the past) even to count for a certainty on being able to get along with them in person. (Though I am hopeful I've matured and improved since then…)
And the job…could I really do it, or am I just fooling myself? I don't feel quite the same sort of paralyzing fear that I would for a job that paid $50,000 a year—at least I would know they weren't wasting that much money on me—but still, my performance doing that task is the sort of thing that could make or break me for life.
And perhaps most inanely of all, I just keep thinking of this orange cat I've adopted, "Gumdrop". How am I going to make a 24-hour driving trip with her in a car carrier, especially if I have to stop for an overnight rest? She's not used to being strictly an indoor cat, though I think she started out as one and that I can accommodate her once I reach an apartment. If I let her out to use the natural environment on the way, I might never get her back…and where would she sleep?
And I also worry that I may not even make the cut, and all this daydreaming and planning is for naught—that I may be setting myself up for the sort of disappointment experienced by the people in the Mark Twain story "The Bequest," who learned they had been left some great sum of money and built themselves a great financial empire in their minds…only to find out it was actually a hoax, and they were left "ruined" by the loss of money they never actually had.
Well, those are my random fears and worries. I sure hope everything works out okay.
Even if I did make it, it's a bit of a tough decision…made tougher by my brother thinking he could get me a shot at a $50,000/yr computer admin job that's opening up "sometime soon"—he's supposed to find out exactly when today. (My parents have exhorted me not to mention this job to anyone lest someone else beat me out for it…which is why I'm carefully not mentioning exactly where. ;P ) If I honestly had a real shot at a $50,000 job, through the magic of nepotism and networking, it would be foolish to take a volunteer position for $700 a month. But if I wait around for it and find out I couldn't get it after all, then I've missed my AmeriCorps shot for at least several more months.
My financial situation will not countenance me waiting very long. A bird in the hand is worth a million in the bush, and the AmeriCorps job—helping people who've never used a computer in their life, and helping to get better Internet access and job opportunities in rural areas—sounds like just the sort of thing at which I would excel. It wouldn't pay very much, but I think it might just be enough—and it would get the school loans off my back for another year, and it would also put me in a good geographical position to begin serious jobhunting toward the end of the tenure. I'm given to understand that southern New Hampshire is in the middle of a big high-tech area, and it would be a lot easier to get a job with a year of experience under my belt and the ability to travel to in-person interviews. Almost nobody wants to hire without experience, especially if you're not local.
I should know by the end of the week whether they want to offer me the position. I sure hope I get it…because if I don't, if even this free volunteer agency doesn't want me…what hope does that give me for working somewhere with even more stringent standards?
But then again, as I was lying in bed last night thinking about what would have to be done, it occurred to me that the only thing scarier than not getting it might actually be getting it. Packing up my stuff, turning off the services, severing my local connections, what few of them I have…
My thoughts drifted to packing up my stuff. I'd have to pack with a sort of grim finality…take the stuff that I was certain I needed, leave behind what I was certain I could do without, and make no mistakes on that score; I wouldn't be able to drive home and retrieve something I forgot. Maybe have it shipped to me…if Mom & Dad could even find it amid all my stuff.
And that was when it really started to hit me. In New Hampshire, I would (or will) be on my own…more on my own than I've ever been here in Springfield, even before Mom & Dad got email. I just looked it up on freetrip, and found sobering results: from Springfield to Wolfeboro is a 23 hour, 4 minute drive. Though I imagine I could shave some time off of that, the parents would still be almost a full day and night of continuous driving away from me…meaning at least a two day trip by car. And at $700/month living allowance, I wouldn't be able to afford a plane or even train ticket home. Granted, it's not that much compared to what the pioneers had to face…or even my own great grandfather, when he made a journey from Oklahoma to New York and back in a rickety old Huppmobile in the early '20s…but it would be enough.
I'd have my friends, to be sure…but they're "only" good friends, not family. They couldn't do for me the extreme things that family would if I needed, nor could I in good conscience ask them to. We've had our differences in the past, and I'm hesitant (knowing my own behavior in the past) even to count for a certainty on being able to get along with them in person. (Though I am hopeful I've matured and improved since then…)
And the job…could I really do it, or am I just fooling myself? I don't feel quite the same sort of paralyzing fear that I would for a job that paid $50,000 a year—at least I would know they weren't wasting that much money on me—but still, my performance doing that task is the sort of thing that could make or break me for life.
And perhaps most inanely of all, I just keep thinking of this orange cat I've adopted, "Gumdrop". How am I going to make a 24-hour driving trip with her in a car carrier, especially if I have to stop for an overnight rest? She's not used to being strictly an indoor cat, though I think she started out as one and that I can accommodate her once I reach an apartment. If I let her out to use the natural environment on the way, I might never get her back…and where would she sleep?
And I also worry that I may not even make the cut, and all this daydreaming and planning is for naught—that I may be setting myself up for the sort of disappointment experienced by the people in the Mark Twain story "The Bequest," who learned they had been left some great sum of money and built themselves a great financial empire in their minds…only to find out it was actually a hoax, and they were left "ruined" by the loss of money they never actually had.
Well, those are my random fears and worries. I sure hope everything works out okay.
