Visit home, lack-of-job depression
Jul. 4th, 2002 10:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
robotech_masterSpent a few hours visiting the folks, eating a delicious dinner, and reading a bit of Steven King's first Dark Tower or Gunslinger or whatever novel on my Clie. Afterward, checked my email, showed my Mom the BookCrossing website, and printing out a few more labels. I collected a dozen or so more books to bring up and release...who knows, what with the news site carrying it tomorrow, maybe I'll get some of them picked up and read. I also spent some time looking for a very old book that a friend had wanted to buy from me if I could find, but had no joy.
Left at 9:00, just as it was getting dark. And, this being the day it was, I was treated to an interesting trip back...especially since 90% of the drive was through rural areas, where fireworks are not forbidden. Yep, bursts of light going off to the left and right and front and behind, all the way up to the Springfield city limits...and sporadically after that. Noticed one of our banana-yellow fire trucks trundling around as I drove back...presumably to tell people to stop setting them off inside the city limits.
While I was home, I happened across a recent bank statement indicating that I still have $126 in the savings account down home. I've had that account for as long as I can remember...since I was very little, and several hundred dollars seemed like a lot of money. Last time I drew from it was when I was taking a trip to Seattle to meet some friends, and that must have been at least eight years ago. I hate, hate, hate the idea of closing that account and using the money for something as menial as bills and credit card debt--not so much for the fact of losing the money, since once I have a job I can save up a lot more than that, but simply for the symbolism of it...that money's been safely sitting there for pretty much my whole life, and I'd always assumed I'd be using it for, y'know, something special. But...at the moment, that $126 would be very helpful to me. Very helpful; in fact, I feel like I could clutch at it as a drowning man to a life preserver.
I'm so depressed over my continued lack of employment. I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like I've done my best, time and time again, and it hasn't even gotten me a callback...so what's the point of even trying? Logically, I know that's dumb...I should keep trying until I get employed...but emotions don't have to make sense. And also, I think I'm actually scared of finding a job in some ways. I don't feel ready to do...well...anything. And I'm such a lazy, work-avoiding sort of person, I think I'd get fired within a month.
What can I do? I feel like I'm dying a little bit at a time, as the bills mount and it gets harder and harder to make ends meet.
Left at 9:00, just as it was getting dark. And, this being the day it was, I was treated to an interesting trip back...especially since 90% of the drive was through rural areas, where fireworks are not forbidden. Yep, bursts of light going off to the left and right and front and behind, all the way up to the Springfield city limits...and sporadically after that. Noticed one of our banana-yellow fire trucks trundling around as I drove back...presumably to tell people to stop setting them off inside the city limits.
While I was home, I happened across a recent bank statement indicating that I still have $126 in the savings account down home. I've had that account for as long as I can remember...since I was very little, and several hundred dollars seemed like a lot of money. Last time I drew from it was when I was taking a trip to Seattle to meet some friends, and that must have been at least eight years ago. I hate, hate, hate the idea of closing that account and using the money for something as menial as bills and credit card debt--not so much for the fact of losing the money, since once I have a job I can save up a lot more than that, but simply for the symbolism of it...that money's been safely sitting there for pretty much my whole life, and I'd always assumed I'd be using it for, y'know, something special. But...at the moment, that $126 would be very helpful to me. Very helpful; in fact, I feel like I could clutch at it as a drowning man to a life preserver.
I'm so depressed over my continued lack of employment. I just don't know what to do about it. I feel like I've done my best, time and time again, and it hasn't even gotten me a callback...so what's the point of even trying? Logically, I know that's dumb...I should keep trying until I get employed...but emotions don't have to make sense. And also, I think I'm actually scared of finding a job in some ways. I don't feel ready to do...well...anything. And I'm such a lazy, work-avoiding sort of person, I think I'd get fired within a month.
What can I do? I feel like I'm dying a little bit at a time, as the bills mount and it gets harder and harder to make ends meet.
